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Saturday August 3 2013
Mock the Quotes: Trolling Arsenal

Rafa Benitez trolls the Gunners, Pepe Reina gets vertigo and Hernan Crespo goes on the Antiques Roadshow as Susy Campanale rounds up the week’s oddest comments.

“Rafa Benitez told me Gonzalo Higuain will play against Arsenal. Not from the start, but he will play.”

Aurelio De Laurentiis couldn’t miss the opportunity to troll the Gunners by parading their former transfer target

“I am playing for a great club that will fight to win the Scudetto and impress in the Champions League. I had been missing both those elements.”

Pepe Reina fears he might get vertigo at Napoli after years of Liverpool mediocrity

“We mustn’t get affected by paranoia after certain defeats.”

Just because Milan fans are paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not trying to get Max Allegri out

“Edi’s arrival in Paris was sudden. It was almost unexpected.”

Yes, Luis Cavani, the months of non-stop coverage kept it all under the radar....

“The real problem holding Serie A back is that the same stadiums we dreamed of playing in 20 years ago have remained more or less the same, without adapting.”

Hernan Crespo points out arenas do not benefit from being considered ‘antique’

“What we need is to be reborn.”

Daniele De Rossi takes the Buddhist approach to Roma’s problems

“The Europa League is an uncomfortable travelling companion. I experienced that at Villarreal.”

Borja Valero and UEFA team up for a remake of Planes, Trains and Automobiles

“We will face the Bosnian side at the top of our game, because we want to go through to the group phase.”

At which point Udinese will field a third-string side and crash out, adds Francesco Guidolin

“Higuain is in a city ready to consecrate its idols, unlike Madrid. Here people expect an important result from him.”

De Laurentiis fails to realise it’s that kind of stifling pressure that prompted Cavani and Pocho Lavezzi to leave Napoli

“It’s a splendid structure and it almost makes you want to go back to university.”

Giorgio Chiellini was impressed with Stanford’s beer pong facilities

“If Palermo fail to get promoted back into Serie A, it will be a worse failure than our relegation.”

No pressure on Gennaro Gattuso from Maurizio Zamparini, then

“I hope Palermo can become the Milan of the South with Gattuso at the helm for a long time to come.”

Please let that not mean Zamparini will be embroiled in a sex scandal. The thought is too horrifying to contemplate.

“Gervinho is not a hitman and he is too inconsistent. I find him totally unconvincing.”

Former Roma star Ruggiero Rizzitelli has spoken like a true Arsenal fan

“That was a waste of perfectly good food during an economic crisis.”

The first black Minister in Italy, Cecile Kyenge, shows immense class by telling racists that throwing bananas makes them idiots for even more reasons past the painfully obvious

“I was a bit overcooked after the Confederations Cup.”

Andrea Barzagli prefers to be lightly sautéed with mushrooms

“Friendly matches do not exist for me. I always play to win, even in training.”

As his career goes on, Antonio Cassano learns the feeling is mutual

“It’s difficult to play well when you change Coach every three months...”

Just remembering the names at Palermo took up enough of Josip Ilicic’s brain power

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